A lot of people don’t know that I am polyamorous. This means that I have dated and had relationships with multiple people at the same time. Sometimes together. Sometimes not.
Being polyamorous as a multiply-disabled person has been both rewarding and difficult.
It’s hard enough trying to have and maintain one relationship, especially when there’s a lot of stigma surrounding disability and dating. Having relationships with multiple people can be even harder.
There’s more rejection. There’s more ableism. I’m also a wheelchair user, and many wheelchair users do struggle to be taken seriously as dating partners. That has not been lost on me, and is embedded in my experiences.
I’ve had a lot of not great experiences dating, as a result of this.
Sadly, you can’t choose how you are, so polyamorous I remain. I have a lot of love to give and I believe that I will find people that will value me as I am. I have before and I will again.
The rejection that comes with being disabled that many of us face when trying to find romantic partners leads us to do many different things that I see as red flags when it comes to dating.
If you do these things I don’t want you to feel bad. I did them for many years, especially when I was first dating.
Even now, I still have impulses to do these things, but because I am older and more experienced as a partner and with dating and relationships, I’m often able to resist these impulses.
Disabled People Are Not Considered Desirable
This is not true across the board. Obviously some of us have found romantic relationships. We have found people that find us desirable. We have even found love and partnership.
However, as a whole, society sees many of us who are disabled undesirable. This is true a lot for physical disability, but it could really be true for any disability.
I can’t tell you the amount of times I myself have been told that people don’t think of me that way. They just want to be my friend. That can happen to anyone, but for physically disabled wheelchair users this is a common response over and over and over again.
As a dating teenager I thought I would never find a relationship because everybody wanted to be my friend and nobody saw me as anything more valuable than that.
It wasn’t until the Internet when people couldn’t actually see me and actually got to know me that I started flourishing and I had many relationships that eventually moved offline.
Most of them were comfortable with me being disabled by the time we got together in person, but I wonder if I would have had nearly as much success if I had to meet everyone in person and not in a way where they could learn to like me without knowing I used a wheelchair. This includes my current relationship of over 20 years.
Disabled People Can Be Desperate for Connection
I’m also neurologically diverse, and a lot of times I will be told I am too much.
I’ve had more than one relationship and because of that, when I was younger especially, I really struggled to control my impulses and my executive function and that really had a negative effect on some of the relationships I had.
Without even wanting to bother, a lot of people have just dismissed me and I know that I’m not alone. A lot of us who are disabled feel lonely. We feel like we are never going to be datable.
We feel like we are never going to find love.
It gets to a point where there’s desperation.
I remember feeling desperate for anyone to date me, so the minute someone would, I let them.
And that’s the thing. In some of my relationships we were a great match, but in many we didn’t have much in common other than we were both horny.
That horny thing can get a lot of disabled people in trouble.
It can lead to us making a lot of decisions that we might not otherwise make. Our desperation for connection allows us to ignore a lot of red flags, and also a lot of what we deserve, which is someone we actually connect with and care about.
This can also lead to abuse. I’ve definitely had relationships spiral into abusive patterns because the relationship wasn’t really healthy or strong to begin with when we got together.
The amount of pain I have felt because of people rejecting me or playing games because they didn’t find me desirable, but they wanted to date me for some other reason, is way higher than it should be.
Being polyamorous also means that I have a lot more experience with dating or trying to date than a lot of my peers that are also disabled, so I’ve been able to figure out some things that disabled people need to consider before slipping into a relationship.
Don’t let your desperation to connect with someone lure you into a relationship that’s not good for you. You deserve better.
So what are the things you should be looking for, when you are disabled and want to date?
Do you Have Anything in Common?
First and foremost, what do you and your prospective partner have in common? Anything?
They claim opposites attract and that can sometimes happen but typically people tend to get along best with people they share common interests, beliefs, goals, hopes, and dreams with. It can be so exciting when you have a meeting of the minds with someone you are attracted to.
Having those little connections can make all the difference.
I can’t tell you the number of other disabled people who have actually approached me to date me and we’ve had absolutely nothing in common.
You need to know if you’re gonna be sexually compatible in bed for example (if you have a relationship that involves sex – heck you need to know if you both even want to have sex in your relationship).
Not all of us are sexual. Not all of us are not sexual. Some of us are fine with having relationships where we are sexual with some partners and not sexual with others. . Some of us are polyamorous and may not want to have sex, so we let our partners have sex with others.
Some of us have interests in the bedroom that others don’t and if you’re not into that why are you willing to pursue someone that is?
If you’re monogamous especially, neither of you will be happy, unless you can find some rare compromise, but in my experience most people are not willing to do that. YMMV.
Do either of you want to have children?
I’ve been in relationships with people that very strongly don’t want children and I’ve always wanted kids, so those relationships went nowhere when we realized we wanted different things. Or maybe you realize they have a child and you don’t want children in your life, so dating them is a bad idea.
It’s okay if you don’t want children or if you do. But you need to be real with prospective partners about it to save yourself trouble and heartbreak down the road.
Do you share any interests outside the bedroom?
This is the area that may matter the least. You may enjoy hanging out all the time, living together, loving one another, being sexual together, but have zero interests. You can find other friends to do those interesting things with, but some of us prefer to have partners where we share our interests, as well.
My longest relationship is with someone who is so similar to me in many ways. We have many amazing interests that we share and being able to share these things has made us much closer together.
I’m always baffled when people email me about dating and we have absolutely nothing in common or I’ve listed something they love as something I hate. I feel bad because these people deserve someone better than me. They deserve someone that can give them the love they need. They deserve someone who enjoys the things they enjoy.
I’m just not that person.
Where Do You Live?
Much of my dating life started online. So that means I may be attracted to someone who doesn’t live nearby.
Are they close enough that something can happen eventually? If not, are you content just having an online relationship?
Some people will be okay with just online relationships. I’m not one of them. If I want to be with you I want to be with you in person, eventually. I want to be able to touch you. I want to be able to comfort you. I want to be able to physically love you.
I’m not for everyone and my way of doing things is not for everyone. You need to know what you want though. One of the other biggest things that happens when I get requests to get to know me is people not considering how far apart we are.
If you are disabled and can’t really travel easily I’m not gonna be a good partner for you because I can’t travel easily either. If I’m not either living in your area or traveling to your area then I’m probably not gonna consider dating you. The exception is people that are able to move themselves. If you’re able to come to me or if your partner is able to come to you then they might be someone to consider.
Location is so important in the digital world. I’ve had friends across the world in Australia, Ireland, and various other places and while it would be great to date some of these people it’s not gonna happen. I can’t fly by plane. I remember watching friends date others from across the globe like this and watching their journey to get together. It’s a lot. But if you are willing to put in the effort, and are able to, you may have more freedom in who you date and where they live than I do.
What do you ultimately want from the relationship?
Is the relationship purely sexual? Do you just want to have that kind of relationship?
Are you looking for marriage and all of the lifestyle things that come with that?
Do you like to casually date multiple people? Do you like to more deeply connect with multiple people?
Are you looking for monogamy? Are you looking for polyamory? How about something in between?
These are questions you need to ask before getting together with anyone. If you don’t have the same outlook or goals for your relationship, why are you dating?
If someone wants to be with you just for sex but you really want to get married and have a relationship that lasts throughout your life, you’re probably not going to want to be with that someone.
I know that it can be hard to not be in a relationship or not feel like anyone desires you. However, getting into a relationship that isn’t going to go where you want it to is not the way to rectify this.
So what is the answer?
It’s not a good one or an easy one.
The way to make this better is to eradicate ableism. We need to make sure disabled people are seen as human beings – we are fully realized, datable humans that deserve love and relationships, as well.
This may not be something that is accomplished in our lifetime, and sadly we are just going to have to deal with a lot of the stigma, but knowing that there are people that will look past this is something to keep in mind.
Ultimately, you need to decide if you are able and/or willing to be flexible with what you want and need. If you’re not then you don’t need to be dating someone that cannot fulfill your relationship needs or goals. I know that’s hard to hear, but you will be happier in the long run.
You will face less heartbreak, as well.
This article also appears over on Medium.
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