Today I should be happy. It is my 30th birthday. I had a quiet, yet happy, holiday with Ashtyn. I am at a precarious point in my healing, though. So, I am feeling very emotional right now. I am finally admitting things it has taken years to admit. I am doing so with calmness and clarity. I am also seeking the help of a psychologist, because I feel I need someone to guide me through dealing with the things that have led to the development of OCD.
I know that I have anger issues and I need to deal with them. It is not fair to my family to not know how my mood is going to be. I do not want to be unpredictable if I do not get my way or if there is a situation I cannot control. I know I have control issues, and I am working on them. I can explain why and what has caused these issues, but I do not know how to address them or deal with them without feeling extremely upset.
A lot of this stems from my relationship or lack thereof with ***, the woman who gave birth to me. I was watching an episode of Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew on VH1 and Steven Adler had to confront his mother. She kept saying things *** has said to me over and over. I felt his pain because I am right there with him. *** and his mother could be two peas in a pod. When the psychologist supporting Steven told her that she had not earned the right to be his mother, that struck a chord within me. That is exactly how I feel about ***. She has not earned the right to be considered my mother.
His mother kept thrusting the blame on Steven, but he was just a child. It was not his fault, and yet she continued to blame him. I am constantly blamed for a supposed bad attitude and her having to put up with so much from me, so his story and mine are similar. Watching this episode actually made me start to de-construct my own situation. While I realize her actions are out of my control, such behavior does not hurt any less.
I tried to remove myself from the situation with *** completely. I have to some extent, since 2005, and it got rid of my depression. I was actually depressed because she was a part of my life, and now I have no stomach problems or depression. Those both went away. This is because I do not speak to her if I can help it. However, she lives with my 92 year old grandfather. So…if I call him, I am sometimes forced to speak to her. I am always civil, but I usually do not say a word other than to ask to talk to my grandfather. Today, she decided to give me one of her lectures, and I, in turn, hung up on her mid-sentence. I was not going to deal with it.
She wanted to “Tell me happy 30th birthday,” but she could not just leave it at that. She wanted to let me know that she forgave me for saying bad things about her. This is when I hung up. I have long been accused by her of dissing her. Nothing I have ever said has not been the truth. This is a woman who for all intents and purposes, tortured me daily for the last five years I lived with her.
I believe I was abused and I was. The definitions for abuse include:
1. To hurt or injure by maltreatment
2. To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words
3. an unjust or wrongful practice
It does not matter what anyone else says. If I feel I was abused because I was maltreated physically and treated contemptuously and unjustly then no one can tell me I was not abused. I could go into specifics, but that is a story for later. The only thing I have ever said about her is how unjust she has treated me. At the same time, she has been saying horrible things to others about Ashtyn, about our son and even Ashtyn’s mom and brother. Yet, she accuses me of bad mouthing her and turning her in to authorities and doing all kinds of other things I have not done. It is just BS for her to do all these bad things to me and refuse to admit she abused me or admit it was her who did it without making excuses/blaming me for her actions. THEN, she has the nerve to say she is forgiving ME for bad mouthing her, when I had not said anything. I just could not nor would not deal with it.
What she fails to understand is that if I turned her in I would have turned her in years ago, when she was claiming I lived with her (but I stayed at school), so she could get money for taking care of me. At the time, I had no money myself and yet I never turned her in for that when I could have. She also does not get I’d rather she just pretend I was never born. She needs to move on and forget about me. It would make life easier for everyone if she and I are not a part of each other’s lives. I am not going out of my way to provoke contact with her, so therefore I am not going to give her reasons to try and contact me. Hence, I really am not bad-mouthing her, as that just invites a confrontation.
When I finally called back, my grandfather told me she was just trying to be nice. I told him I was not going to argue with anyone, but that it was presumptuous of her to say she forgave me for something I never did. Further, it was pompous for her to “pretend to be the bigger person” when she has done so many horrible things to me that she says I deserved or denies she did. She is always the victim in any situation and I know she truly believes she is the bigger person in this one, but really she is just doing this because she is holier than thou. Oh look, I apologized and I am wronged again because the apology was not accepted. People do not know the whole story. This is a game she plays to get people to feel sorry for her and gush all over her. I know the game well. She has been playing it for years. I told my grandfather she needed to get help. I believe she has mental health issues going on that need to be treated, but that I did not want to talk to her unless she got them assessed.
I am angry about this situation. I want to talk to my grandfather because he is old and believes he will not be around much longer. I just hate calling him because there is a potential risk of having to deal with her. My grandfather is dealing with Bell’s Palsy, so I have been trying to avoid stress when it comes to him. I will not fight with her if I can help it, for his sake, but I also do not deserve to be treated like crap, either. I am a person and I have feelings, too. I am upset that she continually gets away with this. I am trying to work past my anger and heal, so I can celebrate my birthday, but right now I just feel frustrated.[tags]Family, Abuse, Child Abuse, Torture, Birthday, Stress, Emotional, Sadness, Precarious, Anger, Lies, Heal[/tags]